Three people in a studio, made up to look like a kitchen. The people are DAVID, JILL and COLIN. They sit around a kitchen table.

DAVID: …and because he was just a pair of legs, he was taken to Greggs and flattened.

Cut to close up of DAVID. He addresses the camera.

DAVID: We’re discussing communism, and how it affects the manufacture of printers and photocopiers. Jill, you were saying something earlier about Blackadder Goes Forth?

JILL: My tits solve crimes.

Pause.

DAVID: Really?

JILL: Yes.

DAVID: How many crimes have they solved?

JILL: Seven.

DAVID: That’s remarkable.

COLIN: If I may interrupt here, just briefly, I was at the cinema the other day, and the screen was a mile away from the projector.

JILL: So you couldn’t see anything?

COLIN: Yes, that’s right, er, absolutely nothing, though it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway if you could see it as my eyes were in Spain.

JILL: I think my tits could look into that for you. That definitely sounds like a Trading Standards offence.

DAVID: Talking of cinema, I went to the local fish and chip shop yesterday and they had an arcade game in there. And, er, it was a computer simulation of a pork chop.

COLIN: How did it work?

DAVID: Well, you just use the joystick to move it all over the screen, and if you press the fire button a nozzle comes out of the top of the cabinet and sprays you with vegetable oil.

JILL: Oh, I must say I don’t like those vegetable oil-based arcade games. I can never register the screen.

DAVID: Really…

JILL: I mean, I literally don’t see the screen, I see a big face poking out of where the screen should be, mouthing words in Armenian.

COLIN: Can you lip-read?

JILL: Usually it’s mouthing “I can speak Armenian”.

COLIN: Talking of other countries, I have a friend who’s swollen to a terrible size, and just this morning I visited him in hospital, and he takes up a whole ward.

DAVID: Oh, that’s rather bad.

COLIN: His mother told me that he doesn’t like people who aren’t swollen. Which would explain why he kept trying to blow into my orifices with his big rubbery lips.

JILL: I quite like swollen things too, but I like non-swollen things just as much.

DAVID: Well, variety is the name of the game, isn’t it?

JILL: Yes.

COLIN: Yes.

DAVID: Talking of variety, I had to hire a prostitute to do my taxes for me.

JILL: Taxes are like… little bits of wheat, I think.

DAVID: You could say that, yes! But if it were, it would have a cartoon eye inside it as well.

COLIN: And you know what they say…

Pause for a moment, then they all laugh.

JILL: Talking of Hitler, I have a cat that’s just made out of fried onions.

COLIN: How does it smell?

JILL: Using a system of pulleys and levers.

DAVID: I think Jesus Christ had it right when he said, “I’ve met the man on the street, and he’s a cunt.”

JILL: Mmm…

COLIN: Yes. Talking of Taiwan, I have no internal organs at all.

DAVID: How many internal organs do you have?

COLIN: Three.

DAVID: That’s really quite remarkable. Shows a real, er… efficiency, a sense of go-getting and make-do. I mean, talking of transfats, this man kept pestering me in the street, and he kept taking bits off of his body and putting them down the back of my trousers.

JILL: Oh, I hate it when people do that.

DAVID: And he’d put basically the whole top half of his body down my trousers, he was just a pair of legs at this point. So what I did was to report him to the police, and because he was just a pair of legs…

Fade out.