Hello everyone. I know I said I was planning on doing a torrent of all my videos, but unfortunately the total size of the things are so big I don’t think it’s possible for me to do so. So instead I’ve started the process of re-uploading everything to a new Youtube channel. It can be found here. Currently there are roughly 88 videos there at the moment, and I’ll be gradually uploading more as quickly as I can manage it.

Remixed Brass Eye Titles.

Intense Fuckaroonie was a 1992 film produced by the anonymous anti-philosophy group ZX82. The film sought to prove to the cinema-going public that they did not exist, and that the only things in the entire universe that actually held power and influence over day to day affairs were slippers with pictures of Snoopy on them, whiskey, orange juice, tomato juice, and statues of blind children of the sort that were often found outside chemists.

The film spends its first ten minutes explaining that there are only three groups of humans that actually exist: beautiful women, government officials, and teenagers.  It is claimed that the second group have perverted the forces of life to malevolent ends. The second ten minutes of the film are devoted to explaining exactly what the cinema going public are: ghosts of potential humanity, that are formed by the thoughts of animals and the secret electrical storms that take place inside Wookey Hole’s Cave Museum. The third ten minutes of the film are taken up with an account of how Wookey Hole’s Cave Museum was built entirely by cats, to divert psychic energy away from a ghost of potential humanity witch that attempted to curse nearby Cheddar Gorge when she discovered that herself and her thin wrinkly tits did not exist.

The remaining sixty minutes are taken up with stroboscopic edits, each edit lasting a mere three frames, of three different appropriated sources. They are: Margaret Thatcher’s speech at the 1982 Conservative Party Conference, a pornographic VHS of the early 90s big-bust porn star Busty Dusty, and an episode of Dark Season, the 1991 CBBC sci-fi telefantasy series for adolescents which starred a young Kate Winslet.

The film was apparently produced by only two of the five members of ZX82. Upon the film’s completion, it was disowned by the other three quarters of ZX82. In a leaflet released in March 1993, the group said that those same members had since changed their mind and were now championing it, though the other two members who had actually produced it had decided to disown it themselves.

It is said that all the members of ZX82 committed suicide in 1996, on the eve of the Oasis concerts at Knebworth, or as the group referred to it in their final communique before their sudden disappearance, “the Coronation Of The Cretins”.

Three people in a studio, made up to look like a kitchen. The people are DAVID, JILL and COLIN. They sit around a kitchen table.

DAVID: …and because he was just a pair of legs, he was taken to Greggs and flattened.

Cut to close up of DAVID. He addresses the camera.

DAVID: We’re discussing communism, and how it affects the manufacture of printers and photocopiers. Jill, you were saying something earlier about Blackadder Goes Forth?

JILL: My tits solve crimes.

Pause.

DAVID: Really?

JILL: Yes.

DAVID: How many crimes have they solved?

JILL: Seven.

DAVID: That’s remarkable.

COLIN: If I may interrupt here, just briefly, I was at the cinema the other day, and the screen was a mile away from the projector.

JILL: So you couldn’t see anything?

COLIN: Yes, that’s right, er, absolutely nothing, though it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway if you could see it as my eyes were in Spain.

JILL: I think my tits could look into that for you. That definitely sounds like a Trading Standards offence.

DAVID: Talking of cinema, I went to the local fish and chip shop yesterday and they had an arcade game in there. And, er, it was a computer simulation of a pork chop.

COLIN: How did it work?

DAVID: Well, you just use the joystick to move it all over the screen, and if you press the fire button a nozzle comes out of the top of the cabinet and sprays you with vegetable oil.

JILL: Oh, I must say I don’t like those vegetable oil-based arcade games. I can never register the screen.

DAVID: Really…

JILL: I mean, I literally don’t see the screen, I see a big face poking out of where the screen should be, mouthing words in Armenian.

COLIN: Can you lip-read?

JILL: Usually it’s mouthing “I can speak Armenian”.

COLIN: Talking of other countries, I have a friend who’s swollen to a terrible size, and just this morning I visited him in hospital, and he takes up a whole ward.

DAVID: Oh, that’s rather bad.

COLIN: His mother told me that he doesn’t like people who aren’t swollen. Which would explain why he kept trying to blow into my orifices with his big rubbery lips.

JILL: I quite like swollen things too, but I like non-swollen things just as much.

DAVID: Well, variety is the name of the game, isn’t it?

JILL: Yes.

COLIN: Yes.

DAVID: Talking of variety, I had to hire a prostitute to do my taxes for me.

JILL: Taxes are like… little bits of wheat, I think.

DAVID: You could say that, yes! But if it were, it would have a cartoon eye inside it as well.

COLIN: And you know what they say…

Pause for a moment, then they all laugh.

JILL: Talking of Hitler, I have a cat that’s just made out of fried onions.

COLIN: How does it smell?

JILL: Using a system of pulleys and levers.

DAVID: I think Jesus Christ had it right when he said, “I’ve met the man on the street, and he’s a cunt.”

JILL: Mmm…

COLIN: Yes. Talking of Taiwan, I have no internal organs at all.

DAVID: How many internal organs do you have?

COLIN: Three.

DAVID: That’s really quite remarkable. Shows a real, er… efficiency, a sense of go-getting and make-do. I mean, talking of transfats, this man kept pestering me in the street, and he kept taking bits off of his body and putting them down the back of my trousers.

JILL: Oh, I hate it when people do that.

DAVID: And he’d put basically the whole top half of his body down my trousers, he was just a pair of legs at this point. So what I did was to report him to the police, and because he was just a pair of legs…

Fade out.

Though it may seem like I am writing normally, I am in fact pressing random keys that by pure chance are forming a complete and coherent sentence slgnoergrwegn apart from that bit.

HANNAH HAHA: We need a new approach towards salted chicken sticks.

[[[1973 CUT OUT ANIMATION ROUGHT DRAFT PILOT EPISODE —
scroll across screen then jump cut]]]

SUZY Q: My main concern is that the chicken is false chicken.

HANNAH HAHA: The stuff that tastes like metal and sadness?

SUZY Q: Yeah.

(U.S.A.O.K. SENATOR IS FLYING TO 1973 CUT OUT ANIMATION ROUGHT DRAFT PILOT EPISODE —)

HANNAH HAHA: Well, I don’t believe it is. But that’s beside the point.

(Genuine footage of Japanese homicidal maniac 16mm footage light beam sensor detect)

SUZY Q: I don’t think so, you need nutrition in your diet.

JAPANESE HOMICIDAL MANIAC 16MM FOOTAGE: Well you would know, with your flourescent urine.

SUZY Q: Absolutely. You’re learning already! (rips off T-shirt to reveal huge breasts)

HANNAH HAHA: Come on now, focus, dammit!

SUZY Q: You’re continuing to learn! (rips off skirt to reveal female genitals (shaven))

[[[PLANE WENT DOWN AFTER AIRSPACE INTRUSION - U.S.A.O.K. SENATOR BODY WAS LOST - BURIED? KEPT IN WAREHOUSE SIBERIA?]]]

HANNAH HAHA: Salted chicken sticks.

SUZY Q: Salted… chicken sticks.

[someone punches a hole in film emulsion turkish dubbers scrape off soundtrack -]

HANNAH HAHA: How far can we go with the salt?

SUZY Q: Not too far, I’d imagine. Could we replace the salt with a radioactive substance? Radiation’s pretty damn salty.

JAPANESE HOMICIDAL MANIAC 16MM FOOTAGE: I’d prefer a bacterial approach.

SUZY Q: Okay, you’re the boss.

DEAD BABY DRAGON IN PLAYGROUND TREETRUNK: The boy was climbing toward me, like a monkey. He hit me in the stomach. I hope the police get that boy. I hate that boy.

HANNAH HAHA: I’m learning a lot! (rips off T-shirt to reveal huge breasts)

SUZY Q: A bacterial approach towards the approach towards salted chicken sticks.

(THAMES TV IDENTIFICATION SYMBOL LOGO ANIMATION 1968 WALKS IN AND RIPS OFF A FEMALE’S SKIRT]

JAPANESE HOMICIDAL MANIAC 16MM FOOTAGE: When people hear us, they hear us talking, they’re going to say, they were on something. That’s awfully closed minded, isn’t it?

SUZY Q: I’ve never even taken a Flintstones Chewable Breast Enlargement Tablet.

HANNAH HAHA: You’re really learning! REALLY learning!

##meanwhile##

LOST BODY U.S.A.O.K. SENATOR IN WAREHOUSE SIBERIA: Operator, put me through to Stephanie Beacham.

—CONNECTING—

—You are logged in—

STEPHANIE BEACHAM: Hi, who’s this? Was busy ripping off shirt to reveal huge breasts.

LOST BODY U.S.A.O.K. SENATOR IN WAREHOUSE SIBERIA: Is your refrigrator running?

(THAMES TV IDENTIFICATION SYMBOL LOGO ANIMATION 1968 WALKS IN AND RIPS OFF A STEPHANIE BEACHAM’S SKIRT]

STEPHANIE BEACHAM: Eeeeeek!

LOST BODY U.S.A.O.K. SENATOR IN WAREHOUSE SIBERIA: It’s cold.

Caption: “GENUINE FOOTAGE”

##whinemeal##

SUZY Q: How long can they be? The sticks? Can they be about a yard?

HANNAH HAHA: Absolutely not, or to put it another way, definitely yes.

THAMES TV IDENTIFICATION SYMBOL LOGO ANIMATION 1968: Put the fan on, I’m starving.

HANNAH HAHA: Guns, not butter.

THAMES TV IDENTIFICATION SYMBOL LOGO ANIMATION 1968: Racist!

HANNAH HAHA: Guilty as charged.

SUZY Q: We’re learning, both of us, sharing our experiences. (Close up of taut stomach)

LIGHT BEAM SENSOR DETECT: Heeeey, it’s the 1990s! Everything’s crazy now!

HANNAH HAHA: He had long hair, and then it was bloody bunches, and now where do we go from here?

SUZY Q: Salted chicken sticks.

HANNAH HAHA: Salted… chicken sticks?

SUZY Q: Taste like sadness.

HANNAH HAHA: And metal.

{[{[1973 CUT OUT ANIMATION ROUGHT DRAFT PILOT EPISODE — bad splice — film snap}]}]

Okay, here is my new Youtube channel. There are three videos there at the moment, all new. They’re all along the lines of those “talking over random footage” videos I did a while back. I am also working out how to distribute the masters of all my old videos, so stay tuned for that.

Again, I’d like to apologise for getting rid of my Youtube account again and explain why. I had a huge anxiety attack last night, which was prefigured by a couple days worth of some surprisingly intense depression. I’ve been fretting over that fucking cursed wretched SOPA thing for literally months and in the midst of my anxiety attack I deleted anything of mine that used copyrighted material off the web. (I am aware that it would not be me who would get it in the neck for that but more likely the website that hosts it, be it Tumblr or Youtube or whatever, but when I get in these states I can’t think straight at all.)

All my videos still exist on my hard drive, in case you’re worried about that, and I’m pretty sure most of the DAZ Studio ones are still on that “TheCompansArchives” account that someone set up. Also a “real-life” friend has backup copies of my videos.

I’m not sure if I’m going to go through uploading all of my old videos again because I would just end up deleting them off the web eventually anyway, so I’m thinking about some other way to make a permanent archive of them. Maybe a torrent or something, I dunno…

I will most likely create a new account on Youtube in time but it will be different to my old one and will not have any of my old videos. I’ve been planning something different for some time - all originally shot short films, most likely featuring my bloated face in front of the camera. It will be very very very different to something like Shane Dawson (spit!) or whatever, though.

So once again - I’m sorry! I’m an idiot! And if you all don’t entirely loathe me, I’ll be back eventually with something, SOPA permitting…